


The Wreck of My Memories

by Terri Botta (Isilwath)



Series: Wreck of My Memories [1]
Category: YuYu Hakusho
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-13
Updated: 2013-06-13
Packaged: 2017-12-14 21:26:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/841566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Isilwath/pseuds/Terri%20Botta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hiei looks back on his childhood. Very mild HK Shonenai! If you don't like it, don't read it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Very old YuYu fic, written in 2005.

  
  
A/N: This is my first Yu Yu Hakusho fan fic. It is from Hiei's POV. If the story seems abrupt and concise, it is because I interpret Hiei to story-tell in this way. This is a one-shot, however I intend to write a short sequel. There is very mild shounen-ai, just a passing mention of possible H/K but that's it.  
  
Disclaimer: All rights belong to Yoshihiro Togashi and Shonen Jump. No infringement intended, etc etc all that jazz. I'm poor so don't sue.  
  
Rating is T for violence.  
  
The Wreck of My Memories  
  
As I have said, I had eyes that could see and ears that could hear before I was born. My power was so great that, upon my birth, the only way they could control it was to wrap me in sealing talismans. Had I known then what I know now, I probably would have killed the old women while I was still in the womb, but then I would not be who I am and I would never have embarked on the journey which brought me to Mukuro's service. In that the warrior I have become would never have existed, although what would have happened to me is a mystery even to myself.  
  
Then again, I don't dwell on it much. It does me no good to lament the lost opportunities of the past. This I know too well.  
  
It is no secret that I harbor untold anguish within me, that my past is as bloody as my future might have been. But there are things I have kept locked away from even Mukuro's prying eye, things that I have chosen to forget because they did not serve my greater purpose to enjoy the slice of flesh and the scent of spilled blood. Even when I grew weary of senseless killing, I did not bring these memories back into the light of day. It was too late, and it had been too long, to wish that things had been different.  
  
But they could have been different. I know deep inside that things would have been different if not…  
  
No. It does me no good to dwell upon my past and see those things which I have kept hidden. I should not plunge into the wreck of my memories.  
  
I will sink forever…  
  



	2. Chapter One

Chapter One

I had been smashed upon the rocks of Fate, tossed into the wild gales like the storm that raged on the night I was thrown from the floating island of the Koorimes. I fell and fell, into the forests of the Makai, until I landed in a river…

"Boss! Boss!"

It was the glittering hiruseki in my fist that ultimately saved me from drowning. The thief who saw my tightly wrapped and Sealed body floating by noticed the glint of morning sunlight off the jewel's perfect surface and plucked me from the eddying current. His greed became my salvation… in more ways than one. He brought me to the leader of the thieves and he also tried to take my jewel. I bit him.

Perhaps he should have killed me then for my obstinacy or cut off my arm to take the stone from me or tossed me back into the river to meet my fate. But for reasons even I do not understand, he did none of those things. Instead he laughed and took my wrapped body from his subordinate, dangling me in front of his face.

His breath stank.

"You're a spunky one! I might just keep you!" he said.

I smiled, narrowing my eyes. If he thought he could take my hiruseki from me by coercion, he was gravely mistaken.

"Uh, Boss… maybe that isn't such a good idea. He was floating in the river and, look at him, he's covered in Seals. Maybe someone threw him away for a reason," one of the other thieves stammered.

I would come to know him as Juro in later days. He was one of the ones I killed first.

The leader, who I would soon discover was named Itsuro, looked at me again and touched his chin thoughtfully.

"Hmmm, maybe so. But there's no sport in killing a helpless baby. He so small, he wouldn't even make a decent meal. Besides a kid with spunk might be good if he's fast. I say we give him to the herb witch to take care of until he's old enough to run and learn how to fight."

None of the others objected to his decision and soon I was being carried deep into the forest to a place where the trees began to give way to steep hills and crevices. There, at the end of a narrow, uphill track, was a small hut in a little, sparsely wooded glade. It was to this hut that I was taken, and the door opened before the demon holding me could announce his presence.

A female demon stood in the entrance, her arms crossed in front of her chest. She was plain but not ugly, and her long hair was a very similar color to that of my mother's, only slightly purple in tint. She had pointed ears and deep violet eyes, and she looked at the band of thieves standing outside her door without fear or concern.

"What do you want Itsuro?" she demanded.

Her voice was cool and hard, a challenge. I smiled. This one, too, was not easily intimidated.

"I've brought you a present, witch," Itsuro replied and carelessly tossed me at her.

I saw her eyes widen a little before she moved quickly to snatch me out of the air before I could hit the ground. She raised me to her face and looked me in the eye. I met her questioning stare with one of my own.

"An infant, thief? One of your get from your numerous conquests?" the witch asked, one eyebrow raised.

"Ren found him in the river."

She sniffed me and nodded. "He's soaked and reeks of fish shit. What do you want me to do with him?"

"Take care of the whelp until he can run and learn to fight."

"And I should do this why?"

I could not see the demon behind me, but I could feel his smile.

"Do it and I will see to it that you are never accosted in this forest by any rival gangs."

"I notice that you exempt your own gang from that vow," she responded quickly.

Smart one, she was. Quick thinking and intelligent. I decided that it might not be so bad to be left with her.

"Very well, from my own or any rival gangs. I know that you have had some troubles in the past when you have gone down into the village market."

I saw her scowl and her eyes narrow. "Not recently, but then I proved last time that I am more than capable of protecting myself. I choose to live here in solitude for a reason, Itsuro. All I wish is to be left alone to find some measure of peace."

"Does that mean you will not take the child?"

"I didn't say that."

Her eyes fell down to my face again and she looked at me for a long time. I could tell that she was considering her options so I opened my eyes wide and blinked at her. Her gaze faltered and I knew I had her. She sighed and brought me close to her chest. So close that I could feel the thud of her heart through my wrappings.

"Very well. But bring me a boar-beast or buck, freshly killed and cleaned, once a month. Growing children need meat."

"I will have the first brought to you by the end of the day," Itsuro agreed.

"Good. Now leave me. I must tend this child and clean him up. He reeks."

She turned to take me into the hut but then paused and looked back over her shoulder.

"Itsuro? Does this child have a name?" she asked.

I waited to hear what the demon would have to say. I was nameless to my mother's people, known only as imiko, and I wondered if this strange demon would presume to fit me with a name. A low chuckle was my answer then the thief barked mockingly.

"Hiei."

"Hiei," the demoness who held me repeated and I felt the arms around me tighten slightly. "Very well, Itsuro. I will take care of Hiei for you. I will expect the meat to arrive before sunset."

With that, she said no more to the thieves and took me directly into her home. As soon as the door closed behind her, however, her countenance changed and I heard her give a great sigh of relief.

"Fools," she whispered softly, then lifted me away from her breast to look me in the eye again. "Now then. What to do with you, little one, hmm? Bath, clothes and food. In that order, I think." She sniffed me and I saw her nose crinkle. "Bath definitely. Yes."

She brought me close again, supporting me with one arm as she moved about the hut. My sight was limited because I was once again facing her chest, but my ears told me that she was starting a fire and pouring water. When she finally set me down on a small, wooden table I was able to get a look around.

The hut was small, but tidy, and all manner of herbs hung from racks around the single room. There was a cooking hearth where water now heated up on a grate, a small bed pallet and a table. Two windows on opposite walls let in light and lanterns sat on shelves to illuminate the space.

"Well, it's been quite some time since I've cared for an infant, but I think I can manage," the witch commented, bringing my attention back to her.

I raised my eyes to look at her, wondering what she intended to do with the knife in her hand, and my fist clenched the cord wrapped around my palm. She saw the movement and looked down to see the dangling stone. I knew she had seen it before when she caught me, but she hadn't paid it too much attention then. Now her lips frowned slightly and her brow furrowed.

"Hmmm. That looks frighteningly similar to a hiruseki, but it's the wrong color. No doubt that oaf wants me to take it from you. Well, I am not one to steal from babies and I can see that the gem is precious to you since you hold it so tightly," she commented, looking more carefully at my wrappings. "So many Seals, little one. What power could you hold in your tiny body that warrants such Bindings? Perhaps it is best if I take some precautions, ne?"

She left me on the table while she moved about again and I felt the energy in the room change shortly thereafter. When she returned to my side, she rolled me to face her and looked into my eyes. I looked back, narrowing my gaze, and she cocked her head a little.

"You're in there aren't you, little one. You were born conscious."

I did not yet have the ability to speak, but I responded by huffing a breath of air through my lips. She understood me perfectly.

"How very interesting. What a little mystery you are, ishka. Wrapped in heavy Seals so tightly that I doubt you can move, tossed into a river and left for dead. Yet you have a priceless stone wrapped around your fist. How very interesting indeed," she mused.

She lifted her hand and I saw that she had a black stone on a cord in her palm. "This is a talisman. I have imbued it with my own youki, and depending upon what I find once I free you from your Seals, it will hopefully contain your power until such time as you can control it yourself," she explained. "I have put up a barrier just in case breaking the Seals causes you to lose control. I also have a talisman on me to protect myself should you blast me with whatever you've got."

She touched a green pendant at her throat to show me the stone, and I realized that she was speaking to me as if she knew I could understand her. She was telling me what she was going to do and preparing me for what could possibly happen once she broke my Bindings.

"Shall we begin then, ishka? I don't know about you, but your stench is getting on my nerves, and you really have to come out of those soaked wrappings."

She was right. I reeked and the smell was offensive to even my nose. I huffed again to give her my agreement and she smiled.

"Very good. I'm going to cut these Bindings now and I'll be very careful so I don't cut you. All the same, it's best if you don't move until you're free," she said, picking up the knife.

It wasn't as if I could move. The old women had bound me so tightly I could barely feel my body, but I wouldn't have moved anyway. I wanted to be free.

She took the knife and slowly sliced the wrappings. I could tell that she was being very gentle, probably because she didn't know how thickly I was wrapped. It took forever, and I was getting very impatient, but eventually I felt the bindings around me begin to loosen.

"Almost done," she told me in a soothing voice as if she could tell that I was planning to fidget.

I froze again and waited as I felt the sharp edge of the knife come close to my skin. There was a final ripping sound then my bindings fell away and my youki immediately flared out of its own accord once it was free of the Seals. I heard the witch gasp but then she moved her hand and the burst dissipated. A moment later the talisman she had made was dropped over my head and my power settled. I looked up at her from where I lay curled on the table and saw her wipe sweat from her brow.

"My what a little firecracker you are, ishka, but you aren't that strong yet. You will be, though, if you're flaring like this now. Whoever Bound you obviously had very limited experience with fire youki to have needed to Bind you so tightly. But that talisman should do for now. If you need a stronger one, I'll make one if I have to. Now let's have a closer look at you, ne?"

She reached down and picked me up, smoothing my hair back with one hand and smiling at me.

"Well, you're definitely a little boy, but I already knew that. And very young too. You're cute though and I can't sense a thing wrong with you. I wonder what manner of monster would throw away a perfectly healthy baby boy like you."

What monster indeed.

Free from my bindings, I drew my arms and legs up close to my body because I was naked and still damp from the wet wrappings. She saw me shiver and drew her cloak from around her shoulders to wrap it around me. It was soft and warm, and smelled like her.

"Cold, ishka?" she asked.

She had used that word numerous times and I was beginning to understand that it was a term of endearment because she always said it gently.

"There now. The water for your bath will be ready soon. Then we will get you dressed and get some food in your tummy. You must be hungry. Little ones almost always are. Let me get a soup started. That should be alright for you."

She carried me around the hut wrapped in her cloak as she set about preparing the food. Now that I was out of my bindings, I could look where she was going and watch her as she performed her tasks.

When the water in the pot on the grate began to boil, she took a large metal basin and filled it partway with cold water. Then she poured half of the boiling water in to make a bath that was hot but not hot enough to burn me. The other half she poured into the soup mix and put it back on the grate to cook.

"Bath time," she said, bringing me over to the warm basin and removing me from the cloak. "And not a moment too soon, ne?"

I had to agree as she put me in the bath, submerging me up to my chest. The water was just the right temperature and felt very pleasant. I stayed still and quiet, blinking at her every now and then as she washed the filth from my body. Some of it was from my fall, and the river, but not all of it. Some of it was from me.

I still held my hiruseki tightly in my fist and she touched it with her finger. I drew it away from her and gave a little growl. She laughed.

"I'm not going to take your treasure, ishka, but at the same time, you can't hold it like that forever. Let's put it around your neck, shall we?"

I watched her warily, but allowed her to unwrap enough of the cord from around my hand to loop the strand over my head. Once I felt the cord press against the back of my neck, I released my hold and the stone fell gently to my chest, resting right next to the black talisman that she had placed on me.

"There. Isn't that better now?"

I didn't answer but she smiled at me and continued washing my small body. When I was clean, she took me out and dried me off with a soft cloth. Then she tied a clean rag around my hips and between my legs to catch my waste and wrapped me in a blanket. Holding me with one arm, she sat down and fed me the soup she had made. The food was thick but not thick enough to choke on and she gave me as much as I would eat.

My belly full and my body clean, I began to feel heavy and drowsy just as all infants do once their other needs have been met. The witch who held me sensed my growing weariness and placed me against her chest, holding me close.

"Sleep, ishka. You're safe now. Sleep, Hiei," she whispered, patting my back gently.

Feeling safe and protected for the first time in my short life, I closed my eyes and let myself fall asleep.

888888

Her name was Uma and over the next few days we began to get used to each other. I grew fast, as all youkai infants do, and within four days I was able to sit up without assistance. I still could not speak, but I was able to make myself understood with gestures and pointing.

I suppose I made it easy for her to take care of me. I was quiet and cooperative, although she discovered my temper rather quickly. I did not cry like most babies and if my silence bothered her, she never said. Still, she was an attentive caregiver and saw to all of my needs. At some point during the first week, however, the look in her eye when she gazed at me changed, and her touch, which had always been gentle, took on a softer stroke. Her embraces became cuddles and her pats became caresses. When she carried me, she would hold me tenderly, and when I was tired she would sing and rock me to sleep. At night I slept beside her, tucked against her chest where she would wake at my slightest movement and tend me right away.

At first I tolerated her coddling, deciding to endure the pampering because my situation was pleasant otherwise. All my needs were met, I was fed, clothed and protected; there was nothing more that I needed or desired, and if she wanted to mother me, then I would allow it. I'm not certain when my attitude began to change, but one day I realized that I was no longer merely tolerating her behavior, but enjoying it. Her voice became soothing and her touch became a calming balm. In all my life I would never know such peaceful sleep as I experienced when she held me close, at least not until many years later.

Within the first week I was with her, I doubled my size and Uma took to carrying me on her back when she went foraging for herbs and food. She rarely put me down and I had begun to get used to seeing the world from behind her shoulder. In time I would come to understand that her reluctance to put me down stemmed from her fear that I would eat a seed or plant by mistake and unwittingly do myself untold damage. She was an herb witch after all, not unlike the wily kitsune I would come to know later in life, however I had never seen Uma use plants as weapons in the way Kurama did.

One day Uma outfitted me in a set of rough hewn traveling clothes and placed me in the pack she would hang from her shoulders. She told me that we were going down the mountain to a village with a market in order to get supplies. She intended to trade some of her herbal mixtures and remedies for food, and she brought the hide from the first kill Itsuro's gang gave her to trade for a bolt of cloth. She said I was growing so fast that she needed more fabric to make some decent clothes for me.

The walk to the village was long and took most of the morning, although Uma did not seem to be in any particular hurry. The day was pleasant and the air crisp and cool. To protect me from getting a chill (I truly believe that she did not know that I was impervious to cold) she had donned a traveling cloak and my head popped out of the top, right where the hood folded at the base of her neck. The carrier she had me in kept me high up on her back so I could see over her shoulder and hold on to her with my hands.

When we came to the market, it was crowded with all sorts of demons from the surrounding area, all doing business and going about their normal lives. Uma went to the food merchants first and offered her herbs in trade for non-perishable vegetables and in-season fruits. Many of the shoppers looked askance at me, peering over Uma's shoulder, silent and watchful, but she never answered them with an explanation. Most just stared but a few tried to touch me, and, if Uma didn't move me out of range first, I snapped at them. Even then, I preferred not to be touched by strangers.

It wasn't until we went to the fabric trader to look for cloth to make my clothes that someone was rude enough to question my presence. Uma had picked out a fine bolt of black material that was heavy enough to be warm but light enough to be worn all the time. She showed it to me and I nodded my approval so she began the task of haggling with the merchant to trade for her boar-beast hide. At the end of the transaction, as Uma was taking the cloth and putting it in the jute sack with the other purchases she had made, a strange demon with green skin and red eyes approached us from the side.

"Uma. I know it has been a while since I have seen you, but when in Hell did you have time to whelp a brat?" the newcomer asked.

My caregiver froze and I could feel the anger radiating off of her as she took a step away from the strange male. I gripped her shoulder tightly and narrowed my eyes.

"I didn't," Uma replied tersely. "One of Itsuro's men found him in the river and Itsuro brought him to me."

"Found him in the river? Uma, don't you know that picking up kids others have thrown away isn't wise? What if the whelp is dangerous?"

There was a moment of silence but the air around us noticeably chilled and the fabric merchant had enough sense to begin hastily packing his wares. The green-skinned demon seemed oblivious however and dared to raise a hand towards me.

"Oh, he is dangerous," she hissed in a voice that barely concealed her rage. "He is very dangerous. He turns me into an overprotective mother who will kill you where you stand if you even think of touching him."

Her hand came up and lighting crackled between her fingertips as she pulled up her youki and threatened him with it. The green demon finally got the message and backed away, his eyes wide. Uma waited as he hurried off and I saw that her face was set into a hard, furious scowl. Her expression, and her immediate defense of me, made me blink at her and curl my fingers even further into her shoulder. She turned her head slightly and blew at me softly to reassure me. Once the demon was out of sight, she turned on her heel and began walking towards the end of the market where we had come in, and from there she took me out of the village and back to the forest trail that would lead us home.

We had just entered the trees when she stopped and gazed back at the village, the scowl back on her face and her eyes hard.

"Dangerous. Hpmh," she muttered angrily, then she looked at me and the hard expression faded away as she smiled.

I looked back at her, blinking, and my actions made her smile wider.

"Hiei," she whispered, then turned her head almost completely to the side in order to kiss me on the cheek.

It was with that kiss, compiled with the softness of her gaze and the tenderness of her touch, that I realized the emotion that now came into her eyes whenever she looked at me was love.


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

I grew. I guess I could say that I grew a ningen year's worth of growth in a month so that by the time the first month had passed I was already able to walk and speak. I crawled for all of a day before I tired of dragging my feet and struggled to stand. I fell repeatedly, landing on the hard wooden floor of the hut over and over, much to Uma's dismay, and raging at myself for my weakness until Uma took me outside to a moss covered patch of ground where I would at least be cushioned every time I lost my balance.

She tried to help me but I wouldn't let her. In hindsight, allowing her to hold my hands and act as a counter-balance would probably have been a good idea, but I was too angry with myself at the time to realize it. I wanted to walk. I was tired of being helpless, of being dependent. I was tired of being carried around.

When I finally mastered the trick of balancing my weight on the soles of my feet, however, it was into her arms that I made my first faltering steps.

After that our days were filled with going out into the forest where she would gather her herbs and I would toddle around, never going too far away. Soon I was walking steadily and running, and Uma discovered quickly that I was fast. By the end of the second month I was climbing and jumping, and Uma taught me how to run up a tree if I felt threatened. Not that many others bothered us. Our home was isolated and difficult to find so there were many days where it was just the two of us, but I found that I liked having her to myself. If I needed anything all I had to do was look her way or tug lightly at her skirt and she would see to me.

It didn't take me long to figure out that we shared a mental connection. It wasn't true telepathy, it was more like a warm presence that sat at the back of my mind and "listened." Whenever my mood changed or if I needed something, Uma would be aware of it before I could give it a voice, and she would be moving to tend me. She rarely lost patience with me, although when pushed she would discipline me with a firm hand. I remember a few spankings that were warranted when I got too out of control. But all in all, she was kind and she loved me, and I was content.

When I was three months old, I began having nightmares. I would thrash in bed and Uma would wake me up with a scream on my lips, then I would shiver in her arms and she would rock me and soothe me until I calmed down. She would ask me what I dreamed but I wouldn't answer her, so one day she put herself in my dream and witnessed my mother's people throwing me off the floating glacier firsthand. That night we both woke up shaking and her eyes were full of horror and sadness. I was angry. I didn't want her to pity me and I snarled at her when she tried to hold me. I sat sullenly on the floor and she sat on the bed, looking at me with those eyes… those tender, loving eyes.

I hated her in that moment. If the talisman around my neck hadn't dampened by power, I probably would have burned her with my rage. She didn't seem at all phased by my fury, however, and kept looking at me with a thoughtful expression on her face.

"You are a Koorime," she said simply. "Or at least your mother was. Obviously your father wasn't. My guess is that he was a fire demon, although how he and your mother could have gotten together to make you is a mystery. Koorimes don't tend to come off their floating island. But the place you see in your dreams looks very much like images I have seen of their glacier home, and the stone around your neck is undoubtedly a hiruseki made from one of your mother's tears. I heard her crying for you when they took you away."

I growled. "They threw me off the edge," I replied angrily.

"Yes, they did."

"They said I was imiko…"

"A Forbidden Child," she explained gently.

Knowing what the term meant brought me no comfort, but my rage was fading. She was doing something to me with her mind. I could feel her youki coming into me through our link and it was calming me down. I was becoming more sad than angry.

Forbidden Child. Worthless and unwanted. Ripped from my mother and thrown away…

"I'll kill them," I whispered. "I'll kill them all."

"Hmmm," she replied to my vow of revenge.

There were a few moments of silence, then she spoke again, softly and wistfully. "Do you know what I would do to them?"

I looked at her, blinking from my place where I sat on the floor, just out of reach.

"I would thank them."

My eyes opened wide but I did not say anything to her unexpected statement. She smiled at me and took a deep breath.

"I would thank them because I owe them a great deal. If they hadn't feared and hated you, then they never would have thrown you away, and Itsuro would never have brought you to me. So I would find them and thank them for giving me the chance to love you."

I was shocked. Her words hit me like blows to my heart. I knew that she loved me but she had never actually said the words to me. Now that she had, there was an ache inside of me that made my chest hurt. I lowered my eyes and stared at my small, bare feet until I couldn't bear it any longer. Then I stood and went over to the only one who had ever comforted and wanted me. I half expected her to reject me, to spank me for being so insolent earlier, but she opened her arms and welcomed me into her embrace when I crawled into her lap. Her hands stroked my hair and pressed me to her chest as she rocked me and crooned under her breath.

"Yes. I am so grateful to them. For every drop of hatred they had for you, I have love. And for as much as you were worthless to them, you are precious to me. I love you, Hiei. I love you, my son," she told me, kissing the top of my head.

My arms came around her, as much as they would reach, and I clung to her with the desperation of a child who realizes for the first time how much he is loved… and how much that love is returned. I shivered. I trembled and gripped her long shift in my tight fists as I choked out the word I had never spoken to anyone.

"Haha-ue. Haha-ue."

Mother.

I love you, Mother.

88888888

"Haha," I said, lifting my hand to show her the mushroom I had found.

"Ahhh, Hiei, you've found a nuitake," she praised, taking the food from me and putting it in her basket. "These are very good and have numerous healing properties. If you see any more of them, grab them right up."

"Hn," I agreed and went back to foraging in the dead leaves to look for more.

I was five months old and the size of a five year old human child, albeit a small one. Uma had made me my first set of black clothing from the bolt of cloth she had bought for me and it was already getting too small. She said that we would get more when we went down to the market before winter.

The sound of approaching feet made me return to Uma's side and wait to see who was coming up the path. It turned out to be one of Itsuro's thieves, carrying the monthly kill. This one was a large buck with a hide of pure black. My eyes opened wide and I desperately hoped Uma would keep the hide to make clothes for me.

"Oi, herb witch!" the demon barked, dropping the carcass on the ground. "Itsuro wants to know if the brat can run yet."

I scowled. Every time one of Itsuro's band came up, he wanted to know when I would be ready to go live with them. It had gotten to the point where I hated seeing them because they wanted to take me away from my home and the woman who loved me. As a result, I always stayed quiet and still whenever any of them came near, and I'd snap at them of they tried to touch me.

Since I was somewhat behind her from his vantage point, he hadn't seen me yet so I plopped down on the ground. Uma looked down at me and I looked up at her, and we both gave each other knowing smiles.

"Tell him to give it until Spring. I'll keep Hiei through the winter so he won't have to worry about taking care of a little kid," Uma replied, stepping to the side so the demon would see me sitting quite innocently on the grass.

The demon looked down at me with distain and snorted. "Seems like a puny little thing. Think he'll stay small?"

I narrowed my gaze and glared at him, crossing my arms. Uma chuckled.

"I don't know."

"He'd make a good pickpocket if he's little and fast."

"Maybe," she said noncommittally. "We'll see. In any case, let me keep him through the winter and he won't be Itsuro's problem."

"Hn," the demon answered, nodding. "I'll tell the boss."

"You can also tell him that he doesn't need to bring more than one more kill. We have enough meat preserved to see us through the winter," she added as he turned his back. "That way he won't have to worry about coming up the path once the snows get here."

It was true. The larders were full of smoked and salted meat. This kill would only add even more to our already burgeoning stores.

"I'll tell him," the thief agreed and left us to ourselves again.

"Haha, am I really all that small?" I asked her once he was gone.

Being that there were no other children around for me to compare myself to, I really had no idea how my size measured up. Uma smiled and sat down beside me.

"You are small, yes, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Small and quick can get farther and into more places than someone bigger."

"Bigger is stronger," I complained sullenly.

"Not always. Brute strength can often be countered by skill and intelligence."

"Do you think I will be strong, Haha?" I asked.

She put her arm around me and tucked me against her side as I turned and hugged her.

"I think you're already strong, ishka. And I think you will be the strongest of all of us," she told me, then kissed the top of my head.

I smiled. She always knew exactly what I needed her to say.

88888888

Another month passed and the weather began to turn cold. Uma did end up keeping the black hide, and she worked tirelessly to tan it and make it into a warm cloak for me. She sensed that snow would be coming soon so we headed down the mountain to the village market to get some things we needed before the trail would be impassible. While we were there, someone saw the hiruseki around my neck and tried to take it from me. I bit the thief and Uma handled the rest of him by blasting him with a bolt of her lightning. I never knew how strong she actually was, but now my guess would be that she was A-class, or at least a very high B.

Fight over, and enemy singed and licking his burns, we finished our shopping and headed back home.

"Would you like me to take your sack and carry you?" she asked me as we began the climb up the steep track through the forest.

I glared at her and scowled. "I can walk. I'm big enough," I answered, gripping the carry sack I had slung over my shoulder.

She smiled at me and laughed. "I know you are, Hiei, but soon you will be too big for me to you carry at all, and you will not want to sleep all curled up with me. I have to take my opportunities while I still can."

I gave her a sidelong glance and humphed at her. She still loved to baby me. It was annoying… most of the time. Sometimes I liked it though, especially when I was feeling lost and scared the way I sometimes did when I remembered what had happened to me.

"I'm fine," I insisted.

She just chuckled and ruffled my hair. I growled at her but she only chuckled more and threatened to tickle me. I jumped but she grabbed me, making me drop my sack. As the contents spilled onto the ground, she laughed and tormented me by tickling my stomach until I couldn't help but laugh myself. We fell to the ground, both of us laughing until a cold wind brought us back to ourselves.

"Ah, Hiei. You laughter is as precious as the jewel around your neck," she said, catching her breath. "You don't laugh nearly as much as you should."

She let me go and I stood up, brushing the pine needles from my cloak.

"What's there to laugh about?" I demanded, but I wasn't really angry.

Uma always played with me when I got too serious. I think she knew I had a violent nature and tried to temper it with her love. I remember how much she tried to impress upon me how important it was to be honorable and just.

"You're alive," she answered, kissing my cheek as she rose to her feet and began helping me gather up our loose things.

"Hmph," I scowled, stuffing some dried fruit back into my sack.

"You're with me," she added.

"Only until the spring," I countered sullenly. We talked extensively about my going to stay with the band of thieves. I wasn't looking forward to leaving my home once the snows melted.

"If you truly don't wish to join Itsuro's band, then we will move out of his territory," she assured me. "But I am only thinking of your future, ishka. Your nature is not one where you will be happy tending plants and gathering herbs. Itsuro can teach you skills and how to fight. And it isn't as if you can't come back whenever you want. You are always welcome home, Hiei. You are my son and I love you."

"I know. But I'll go when I am ready," I countered, my bad mood dispelled by her words of affection and comfort.

"Fair enough," she agreed, and we shouldered our burdens again.

We hadn't gone far when Uma stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.

"Hiei," she whispered hoarsely in warning and I froze.

I had just enough time to move behind her when the demon she had burned in the marketplace appeared, and this time he had brought several friends.

"We want the hiruseki," he hissed.

"Don't push me, fool," Uma threatened, sweeping up her arm and bringing out her lightning. "I spared you in the market. I won't go easy on you this time."

The demon laughed as one of his partners came forward to put up a protective barrier around them.

"Just try to blast me this time," he answered with a vicious leer.

"Haha?" I asked softly.

"Stay behind me, Hiei," she told me.

I looked behind us and frowned. The area wasn't very defensible and from where we were the path turned sharply upward.

"I might not be able to blast you, but I can blast these," she replied, shooting bolts at the surrounding trees and making them crash across the path between us and our attackers.

The demon and his companions screamed, and Uma dropped her sack, grabbed me and began to run. She was fast, but not fast enough. I saw the barbed whip come out and wrap around her leg, yanking it out from under her. She lost her balance, and her grip on me, and I fell.

I cannot even begin to describe how much I hate falling.

I hit the ground and rolled. When I looked up I saw Uma on the ground, struggling to get her arms under her so she could turn to face the new threat. Blood on the forest floor drew my eyes to where her left leg was now a bloody stump just below the knee. I screamed a warning as a huge grey-skinned demon advanced on my mother with a knife.

"Haha-ue!"

"Hiei, run!" she ordered, just as the attacker slashed at her throat.

I stared, horrified, as she collapsed and the demon began to advance on me.

"Come here, kid," he growled.

:HIEI! RUN: a voice screamed in my head.

Uma's mental command shook me out of my paralysis and I did as she told me. I turned and ran up the track. I didn't look back to see if I was being followed but I felt a huge burst of energy explode behind me a few moments later. At the top of the trail, I didn't turn up to go to our hut, but across to run towards the place where I knew Itsuro and his band usually camped. I went speeding into their encampment and threw myself on my knees at Itsuro's feet.

"Itsuro! Please help me!"

"What the? It's Hiei," the thief gasped. "What the hell is wrong with you, boy?"

I looked up at him, panting. "It's Haha-ue! We were attacked on the trail. Please, she needs help!"

The hulk of a demon stared at me for a long time and I began to think that he was going to refuse, but he finally nodded.

"The herb witch has been good to us. She's always treated our wounded and helped us when we needed help. Let's go."

Several of his men agreed and I jumped to my feet to lead them back down the trail.

"This way. Please hurry," I said, picking up speed.

"Damn, that kid is fast," I heard someone say behind me as they struggled to keep up.

My child's heart still had hope, but my mind already knew I was too late. There was a cold, empty place in my head where her mental touch used to be, and the best I could hope for was avenging her death.

Coming back to the place where we had fallen, I discovered that even that comfort would be taken from me.

Uma's body was lying twisted on the ground, her throat slashed, her eyes unseeing. Around her lay the charred and still smoldering bodies of all eight of her attackers. Her hands were blackened and the scorch-marks started from where she fell so it was obvious that she had been the one responsible for the blast that killed the other eight. She must have used the last of her energy to bring down a final strike that took the bastards with her.

I fell to my knees beside her, heedless of the fact that I was kneeling in a pool of her blood, and feebly shook her arm although I knew it was hopeless.

"Haha?" I whispered faintly.

Her head lolled my way and I was struck by the peaceful look on her face. She had died knowing that her final act would save me. I felt sick and numb, still shocked by everything that had happened in such a short amount of time.

"Damn," a voice said behind me and I looked over my shoulder to see Itsuro and his band coming to see the carnage.

Itsuro saw me kneeling next to Uma's body and his face grew the softest I would ever see it become.

The others filed in behind him, moving about and stamping out the small fires caused by Uma's lightening. They didn't speak or look at me but I watched them as they began to pick up our discarded supplies and take them with them. Part of me understood their actions. It certainly wasn't of any use to us now, and it was stupid to let the supplies go to waste.

It wasn't until I saw one of the demons pick up Uma's severed leg and take a bite out of it that I made any sound at all. Itsuro heard me and looked to see what I had gasped about.

"Shit! Haru, what the hell are you doing!"

The guilty demon stopped mid-bite. "What? I'm hungry."

Itsuro cast me a glance then shook his fist at Haru. "Not in front of the kid," he hissed as if I couldn't hear him.

Haru looked at me. "Oh. Sorry," he half-apologized but then stuffed the leg into the waistband of his pants, behind his back.

Itsuro reached down and grasped my shoulder. "C'mon kid. You can stay with us now."

I blinked at him, my eyes dry and then looked back down at Uma's body.

"But, Haha…"

Itsuro sighed and took off his cloak, wrapping her up in the dirty cloth. Then I watched him dig a shallow grave and put her into it, covering her up with rocks and a thin layer of dirt.

"C'mon, Hiei," he repeated.

I hesitated and he slapped me. He hit me so hard that I toppled to the ground, stunned and my head reeling from the blow. It was the first time anyone had ever hit me like that. Even Uma's spankings had been light compared to the strength behind Itsuro's strike.

"Now kid. The witch is dead and you're coming with me. You can run and you're fast. I'll teach you how to fight and how to steal. Let's go before I change my mind and let you starve out here."

He grabbed me by my arm and lifted me out of the dirt. I didn't resist him, but my anger began to burn inside me. Anger at losing the only person who loved me, anger at not being allowed to grieve her death, anger at the harsh and callous way Itsuro handled me. But I swallowed my rage and my pain and followed him, my eyes dry and burning as he took me back to his camp.

Later I saw that his men had gone to our hut and stripped it of everything they could use and my rage festered. And Haru was still chewing on my mother's leg.

'I'll kill you,' I vowed silently. 'One day, I'll kill you all.'


	4. Chapter Three

Chapter Three

A flash of lightning from the Makai sky pulls me out of the memories in which I've been drowning, and I come out of them gasping for air like a man submerged. As the residual shock fades like quicksilver tingles from my body and my heart slows its pounding in my chest, I scowl at the storm and myself.

I had hoped, perhaps foolishly so, that after my death at the hands of Shigure, and my subsequent resurrection at the hands of Mukuro, that my time of suffering and anguish had ended. The frequency in which I am reminded of the pain of my past has taught me otherwise, but I can say that the agony is not quite as sharp as it used to be. The blade has dulled somewhat, although I cannot tell if the change has been for the worse or the better.

These memories, however, are as sharp as they ever were and I know this is because I have suppressed them for so long. I have not thought of Uma for many years or the sacrifice she made for me. I know I am not worthy of it. What I became after her death was the very thing she had tried so hard to prevent. I think she knew what would happen to me if I had nothing to temper my fiery nature and my predisposition for hate. Long ago I realized that I had shamed her and dishonored her memory. Had I been able to kill myself then, I probably would have, but I still had my dreams of revenge upon the Koorimes who had cast me out, and later I would find purpose in searching for my sister. I reasoned that Uma would have wanted me to find Yukina, if only to give me some sense of closure. After that, I buried her memory deep within me and kept my shame inside the festering wounds in my heart.

I am the only one left alive who remembers Uma. I killed everyone else who knew her, Itsuro included… eventually. I made sure the bastard who ate Uma's leg lived only long enough to choke on it. Hers is my deepest secret, the one I have shared with no one, not even my dearest Kurama. Kurama whom I know loves me and would try to "heal" me if I let him.

Let him think I have never been loved. Let him think that I have never known love or that I do not know what it is. Let Mukuro think I am just like her, forever forsaken and abused. It is easier than telling them the truth, better to let them think that I have never had something than to admit that I had it once but lost it. I had six months with Uma. Six months of being loved and wanted against a lifetime of hate, pain and loneliness. It was a brief, very brief, respite from my fate, and it is my treasure, the one thing no one can ever take from me.

Standing, I walk over to where my katana lies resting against the wall and pull the beloved blade from its sheath. The handle is tightly wrapped with strips of cloth to cushion the hilt and make it easier to wield, and my thumb goes unerringly to the small bump positioned in just the right place to make the hilt fit the curve of my palm perfectly. If I were to cut the strap and unwrap the lump I would find the smooth black talisman that had once rested against my heart- the only memento I have of the woman who had loved an orphaned, forbidden mistake enough to die for him.

Scowling, I shove the blade back into the sheath, and with it my memories, and put the sword back against the wall as I return to staring out at the coming storm.

End


End file.
